No more

I'm capable of loving.

That's the conclusion I reached by the end of the relationship with P. All these while, I always asked myself whether I can love someone to the point it hurts. I have seen people in love and I know I have never encounter that deep feeling before. Even when with monkey last time, it was bordering between like and love. I wasn't really into him as much as I was into P.

But there's a drawback to that.

When u love someone so much, u no longer have a safety rope with u nor u are holding on the the cliff anymore. U jump, u cut away and plunge deep into the unknown without knowing much where it will lead. It's the leap of faith; faith in the love u have on him and faith that he will love u back as much as u do or even greater.

So where's the drawback? The drawback is when he doesn't. So instead of having someone to travel through the darkness, u are alone trying to light it up. The free fall starts to become unbearable. U try to grab around, snatching at anything that could slow u down but there's nothing. What u could do, then? U just close ur eye and brace the impact because when it happens, u will be shattered to pieces. Ain't nothing gonna cushion u anymore, boy.

That's what I felt. The shuttering feeling was something that I could ever imagined before. It hurt so much it just numbed me outright. That's why when people asked, I said it's okay; not because I'm fine but rather I didn't feel anything anymore.

Nonetheless, he's free now.

Love always
B